Tidbits

Yesterday, Isaac turned 7 months. Today, he officially found his wee wee. He's grabbed it before when I've changed his diaper, but I think it was mostly an accident and he didn't really realize what he was grabbing. Tonight, he spent his entire bath playing with it. With both hands. And staring intently. He'll probably never forgive me for announcing this to the world.

Sometimes I think Isaac looks like a little old man. I think it has something to do with his bald head, toothless grin and the way I sometimes dress him (again, sorry Little Man). I've thought this a couple of times when he's been asleep next to me or nursing, but I really thought it tonight. I saw him from afar for the first time in a long time. My parents beat me to my apartment, and my mom was standing outside their car holding him, and he just reminded me so much of a little, tiny old man in her arms. I don't know why. That's probably pretty weird.

This morning I woke up with Isaac next to me and saw that he had kicked off, not only his socks, but also his pajama pants. The socks weren't a surprise, but it was pretty funny to see his skinny little legs and diapered bottom without any pants on when I woke up. Luckily, our apartment stays pretty warm.

John and Isaac and I participated in StoryCorps on Sunday. It was fun to relive Isaac's birth day and to share it with John. I definitely felt, the entire time, we were doing it for Isaac. It didn't really make me feel any closer to John. I didn't expect it to. I actually didn't have any expectations about how it would or would not affect my relationship with John or the way we see one another. I guess that's why it stood out to me that it did not make me want to be with John or rekindle our relationship. I don't feel close to him. And, in a way, talking about that day and the days and weeks following Isaac's birth just reminded me of how distant we were, even then.

What was really nice about the 40 minutes we spent talking, though, was that they were 40 totally honest minutes. I asked John questions about that day, how he felt, what he was thinking, and he answered more honestly and more thoughtfully, I think, than he would have had we not been locked inside that Airstream trailer. In turn, I shared with him my recollections of the day. At about 30 minutes, we started to run out of steam, and the facilitator who was recording our conversation began to ask us questions, which was nice because his questions prompted us to talk about things we wouldn't otherwise. John admitted how unprepared he was for fatherhood, how much harder it was than he thought it would be. He said he thought parenting would come naturally to him, but it didn't. I was afraid it wouldn't come naturally to me, but it did. It definitely wasn't easy, but it did come to me.

I don't think I'll listen to the recording for a while. I'm just going to slip it into Isaac's baby book and leave it there for a few years. And, unfortunately, I don't really see John and I having another conversation like that for a long time, if ever. But I'm glad we had it and that Isaac will have the opportunity to hear his parents' recollections of the day he was born, their fears at the time, their hopes for the future. And he'll be able to hear himself, too, laughing and talking, whining and making smacking sounds with his mouth. I think that could be as cool as anything else.