Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Have I lost my touch?

I'm afraid I've become one of those frumpy moms who used to be attractive until she had a baby and let herself go. My hair is rarely not tied back in a ponytail, I hardly wear makeup and, when I do, I've rubbed it off by the middle of the day and my clothes, besides being three sizes bigger than I'd like them to be, seem to have the affect of making me feel the complete opposite of sexy.

Please, no comments reassuring me that I really do look great for just having had a baby. I'm really not fishing for compliments here. I just feel like I have no time or energy to devote to myself and my appearance. Yesterday, I had to take Isaac to the doctor at 10 a.m., so I had three hours to get ready in the morning when I usually have about 30 minutes. I ended up feeling pretty good about myself yesterday because I actually had the time to take a shower AND fix my hair. Usually, it's one or the other. And then I look back at pictures of myself pre-Isaac and think, "Wow. I wish I still looked like that." I wish I still had the time to look like that. I wish I weighed what I did then. Or maybe I just wish I still had the confidence I did back then.

I would say that perhaps I'm thinking about this now because I'm concerned that, someday, when I'm ready to attract another man, I won't be able to. But I think I was worried about it even when I was with John. I remember one night, toward the end of my pregnancy, I half-casually, half-jokingly, half-desperate for reassurance, asked John if he would still think I was sexy even after I had his baby. Instead of the "Yes, I'll always think you're sexy and beautiful no matter what" I had hoped for, he replied, "If you lose all the weight."

I was heartbroken. And I probably should have dumped him then. But I really did think that I would care enough about myself to keep up with my appearance even after I had Isaac. I didn't want to become the frumpy mother who never recovered from infancy. It's hard, though, to find time for myself when my whole life revolves around I-Man. It was hard when I was with John, and it's even harder now that I'm doing this alone. I thought cutting my hair would make daily beauty maintenance easier, but now I find that I just miss my long hair and it was one more thing that used to make me feel beautiful that I no longer have.

I'm not really sure how to resolve this. Maybe to attempt, in any way possible, to do things that make me feel good about me?? To get a pedicure once in a while, even though they are ridiculously expensive and not very good for the environment? To actually use the elliptical machine that is taking up so much space in my living room? Or, better yet, does anyone have a miracle pill or cream that would solve all of my problems?


Tasha said...

Oh yea...I haven't told you about that secret mommy pill?? Oh, wait, there isn't one. Ooops.

I know what you mean about feeling frumpy. It is difficult sometimes. And, actually, I find that when I do take/make the time to fix my hair AND do makeup AND dress nicely, it takes so much time from Miles, that he becomes frustrated, and in turn, I become frustrated, and it wasn't worth it all to begin with. In addition, when I'm all fixed up, I don't want Miles snotting on my nice shirt, I would prefer him not to run his fingers through my fixed hair, and not to slober on my made-up face. Baby-hood do not mesh well with nice clothes, makeup, or cute hair. Sorry, it just doesn't. Try saving your made-up times for dates or going out. I try, a few times a month, to get 'ready'. It feels nice to do so, and in addition, it justifies my frumpiness on the rest of the days.

You are beautiful, and whether you realize it or not, motherhood makes you more so. I think it's natural for us to look back at ourselves and think, 'Wow, I was pretty hot back then'. So, just know that years from now, you'll either A) Look back on these times and wish that you had realized how smokin' you were...or B) you'll realize that you really were sleep deprived, thank god that you look half-way decent now, and remember how great it was having a new baby.

Remember...confidence = beauty.

Love ya.

Shelly Collins said...

Beautiflly said once again by Tasha. All the things I was thinking. There truly is a season for everything. If we had it "all" some things would suffer (Isaac). I hope you find time to do little things that make you feel more beautiful.

And you have incredible hair. I've always thought so. Long or short. You should wear it down more often.

Lunch Friday? (I talked to Tasha)

Tasha said...

I agree with Shelly...I, too, love your hair. My stringy, flat excuse for hair is SOOOO jealous! :)

cyclefreaks said...

boy do I know where you're coming from right now... we'll get it together. ;)


blogger templates | Make Money Online