Happy New Year!

One of our writers reminded me that yesterday was Rosh Hashanah, and, although I'm not Jewish and know very little of the religion or culture, I feel like I am in desperate need of a new year and have decided to participate in the holiday. It began at sundown yesterday as I was, fittingly, painting my new apartment. The fresh paint covering the drab, well-worn walls of an apartment that is turning out to be more than I bargained for (lots of problems I hadn't seen until now: a missing lever on the toilet, broken hot water handle in the kitchen, fridge covered in black mold) was somewhat reassuring. I'm definitely ready for a fresh start.

Today was my going-away lunch at UTW, and it was nice to know my time here has been appreciated and I will actually be missed. Even K went out of his way to tell me, first privately and then publicly, that both he and the paper are indebted to me in numerous ways for my passion and service over the past two and a half years. His gratitude is much appreciated, and while part of me wished he'd been more vocal about it earlier, another part is glad he waited for my departure to tell me what I mean to him. I think, had I heard it sooner, I would have stayed and not taken this new opportunity. And now, it's more about that than anything else. Before, it was about anger and about my need to feel like my work matters. Now that I know it does, I think it's more about needing to expand my horizons. K offered an open invitation back to the paper, should my future endeavors not work out, and I don't think that option is totally out of the question. The thought has crossed my mind that maybe, just maybe, spending the next few years working at different publications could be a learning experience that I can bring back here in the future. I do care deeply and am very passionate about UTW and its place in Tulsa's media market. I love the business of alt weeklies and would like to find my way back to one of them some day.

I still think, though, that moving on is the right decision right now. I think Katie still has the spark that has sort of fizzled out in me. I think she'll lead the paper in a good direction for as long as she's here, and I think it'll be better for her contribution. And really, it deserves that. It deserves someone who's ferociously driven to make it a better paper. My excitement over the last year has waned to indifference, and UTW deserves better than that. Like I said, maybe in a few years, it'll all work out again. Maybe I'll realize that I care more about this brand of media than any other and that this is really where I belong. Until then, a toast to fresh beginnings.

I think the same is true in regards to the termination of my relationship with John, although I don't ever see us getting back together. (I just realized that John and I started dating only a couple of weeks before my first day at UTW. The irony is astounding, yes?) I don't miss the John I just broke up with; I miss the John I knew two and a half years ago. I miss the John who fell madly in love with me for reasons still unbeknownst to me and ones that not even he could explain (or, at least, never bothered to vocalize). I miss the John who went out of his way to make me happy, even if it meant sacrificing his own wants. I miss the John who planned romantic outings and sent flowers (once), not because they were things he did but because he thought to do them. When we moved in together, everything changed. He didn't go out of his way to do things, we started arguing a lot and I started wondering how quickly one person could fall out of love with another.

I know John cares deeply about his friends; he's always the one they call when they need something, and he never hesitates to drop what he's doing and answer their calls. I've often felt he cares more about his friends than he does me, and their high opinions of him probably make it difficult for them to understand why I felt the need to end the relationship. I just want to feel the way I did when he first met, like I meant the world to him. I think I deserve that much. I deserve to mean that much to someone.

For now, I just want to move into my new apartment with my new paint and new furniture with my new baby and enjoy my family, my work, my life. I'm still a little scared shitless at the thought of doing it on my own, but I have faith that everything is meant to be exactly the way it is now. If it weren't, I don't think God would have provided me so many open doors to new opportunities.

I do know, however, that we need to get out of my parents' house fast. While I love them more than anything (except Isaac), I am so tired of hearing Fox News droning in the background morning and night. My dad actually said yesterday morning, while watching Good Morning America, "Why can't they just report the news instead of giving their opinions on everything?" and then changed the channel to Fox News. I laughed out loud. But I'm worried they are going to brainwash Isaac. My grandmother held him the other day while I ate dinner and mocked me, saying she was going to turn Isaac into a Republican by exposing him to Fox News. Then she did. Expose him to Fox, anyway. Hopefully I can undo any damage she's done. He is still young, after all.